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Difficult Drop-offs

I have been reading your advice column every month and am finally writing with a question of my own.

My 4 year old son attends a wonderful, accredited nursery school in Saint Paul. His teachers are very engaged with him and the other children and he is playing happily each day when I arrive to pick him up. I’ve visited periodically in the middle of the day too and he is bird-watching, singing songs, or reading stories with buddies. Despite the fact that I know he’s happy there, we still have difficult drop offs. He cries and asks me not to go. The staff pick him up and try to get him involved in an activity. I listen outside the door and he stops crying almost immediately. I’d hate to take him out of this wonderful environment if this is not a big deal. On the other hand, if he’s telling us something important I want to listen. How concerned about the drop-offs should I be? Some days I think about quitting my job.

Thanks for the help.
Mom in Saint Paul

Gail says: Dear Mom ISP

I know that many moms have tremendous amounts of guilt about working. There is probably no working mom who hasn’t at some point felt as you do.  I’ve been there myself and you have my sympathy.

It certainly sounds as if you have every reason to believe that your son is in a great environment when he’s at school, and he is obviously doing well at calming himself and participating in all the wonderful activities.  He probably can’t articulate at his age why he cries when you drop him off, but it is not unusual behavior at all.  At four, there are a couple of developmental stages that might be contributing to what’s going on:

  1. This is the period in a child’s life when he or she is probably the most susceptible to fears.  A child’s increasing capacity to imagine combined with a higher degree of awareness that the world isn’t necessarily a safe place can produce fears of various things—the dark, monsters, and even “something happening to mommy while she’s gone.” Your son may be dealing with a bit of this kind of anxiety when he has to say goodbye every morning. 

  2. Also around the age of four, children often develop an almost “romantic” attachment to a parent of the opposite gender.  Your little guy might just be protesting the fact that he can’t be with you all day long.

  3. Young children also tend to repeat behaviors that provide a “payoff”—when he cries, it sounds as if he gets a lot of adult attention, which is pleasurable.  (Please don’t think that I’m saying your son is deliberately doing this for attention—it’s really more about cause and effect—“when I do A, I get B, and B is fun!”)  It’s great that the staff is so responsive, but they may actually be unintentionally reinforcing the behavior.

You didn’t say whether this has been happening since he first began school, or whether it developed suddenly, or whether it has gotten better or worse.  Children go through developmental stages rapidly, so if this is developmentally related, it should subside as he grows a little older.

There are several things you can try:

  1. If you haven’t already, see if you can engage him in some conversations about what you do when you’re away from him.  Have you taken him to your workplace, so that he knows where you are and what you’re doing during the day?  If not, you could try that; it may reassure him to see that you are going to a safe place.   I wouldn’t question him directly about whether he’s afraid of specific things—you don’t want to put ideas into his head.

  2. Young children usually respond well to what we call “reflective language”—acknowledging and validating their feelings.  You can try reflecting back to your son what you think he is feeling.  An example: “You don’t want me to go.  You’ll miss me when I’m at work, you’re sad right now.”  Don’t give any judgment on the feelings, just try to name them.  Then say something like, “You know that I will come and pick you up after work, just like always” (or whatever the pick-up arrangement is).  Try to direct his thoughts to something fun that you will do together later.  I would also ask the staff to use this for awhile, rather than picking him up and focusing lots of attention on him.  If they are willing to work with you to solve this, it would be great if  one person would respond to him when he cries by getting down at his level, establishing physical contact—a hug, a hand on his shoulder, whatever he’s comfortable with—and saying gently, “You’re sad because your mommy is leaving.  She’ll be back after work. We’re going to have a fun day…”  The rest of the staff should go on with their morning routine.  This sounds almost too simple to work, but it’s the closest thing to magic that I know!

  3. With all children, routine and rituals are huge factors in helping them transition from one place or activity to another.  See if you can build more routines and rituals into your mornings by avoiding stressful last-minute getting-ready activities at home (do some preparing the night before if possible), using the same words/phrases for goodbyes and reassurance (reflective language, above), and developing your own special hug or “high-five”, or other ritual that works for the two of you.  Be sure that you are cheerful and upbeat when you leave; you don’t want him to be picking up on your own stress about this.  Another thing that could help is for you and your son to have regular “special times” together that he knows he can look forward to.

It’s a difficult decision whether to work or stay home with your child.  Know, however, that studies, both recent and dating back to 1991, indicate that children in high-quality early childhood programs thrive equally with children who are at home with a parent, and appear at this time to suffer no ill effects as a result of being in child care.  Before making that decision, I hope that you will try the suggestions here for a few weeks.  Please feel free to contact me with questions or details if you would like further assistance.

Best of luck!  

links to articles citing research:        

http://money.cnn.com/2005/05/05/pf/workingmoms/index.htm  

http://health.dailynewscentral.com/content/view/558/0 

 

 

 

Gail Mahr, Professional Development Coordinator for the Minnesota Child Care Resource and Referral Network, has been in the field of early childhood for over 13 years. She has spent time with Head Start programs and at the Greater Minneapolis Day Care Association. When asked to describe these jobs, she says, "I've done it all! Home visits, screenings and referrals, training teachers, providers and parents, consulting; helping out in classrooms and even in the kitchen once in a while. I somehow have found the time to attend over 450 hours of professional development opportunities.  Whew!  No wonder I'm tired!"

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